existential crisis

"And they gone keep calling and trying but you stay right girl, and when you get on, he leave your ass for a white girl."

The first time I ever heard a white male sexualize a brown female, was in 2007, when the folks of my generation decided to welcome a “Paper Planes” aesthetic into their lives. We were sitting on some steps, each sporting some form of neon colour, discussing the release of M.I.A’s, “Kala” and how, “great, that whole record is” when he turned to me and said, “also, she’s SO hot.” And admittingly, on a certain level, this was empowering. In this moment, having identified as a brown female, who had been raised in a white-oriented western culture - I was relieved to discover girls of my color could be sexually objectified too. Relieved, pleased, and appeased.

Cue neon feminist warning signs that shout, "THAT'S NOT OKAY!"

Earlier this week, I was having a conversation with an older non-traditional Bengali woman, (much older), and the subject turned from dating, to dating "white men." This highlighted my specific context as a brown woman. She said, "What's the problem with white men? They're just a lot of... pink flesh" and then smiled a coy smile.

I have never dated a white man, but I understood her completely. There can be a very odd, and uncomfortable, sexual experience, when positioning dark skin with light skin. Of course, this instinctive feeling is coated with naturalized ideological impressions, but that's not to say, there isn't a sense of truth to this unidealistic distinction. Of course, we aspire to live in a world where all skin colours, all genders, and all differences, can comfortably interact in loving, if not sexually accepting and embracing, ways. Oh, and it does! It does. It is the 90s after all.

But, we also live in a society where the known is comfortable, and the unknown is threatening. Thus making it harder to not simply sexualize, but desire the unknown.

I have a personal opinion, about the westernized brown men of my particular generation. It's a cynical representation, that saddens my father when I discuss it with him, and it is bound to be controversial and upset some who defiantly opposite it. But I think many (at least many of the ones I have encountered), brown men of this generation, are exclusively into white women. Why? Because of an inherent racism against their own kind.

I was at a house party once. And out of the crowds of white faces, there appeared a brown male. He was attending that party with his white girlfriend, whom I had just met. There we were, leaning against the kitchen counter, joking about how we were the "token brown friend" among our mutual white friends, which brought us to this event, in this very expensive neighborhood, in the first place. And somehow the subject of dating brown people came up, and in that moment he re-confirmed my theory, and said he could never date a brown girl. I said, "why?" and he said, "brown girls are so hairy," then he paused and said, "white girls are so soft." We were seventeen.

Having developed a particular Western-Asian, identity, we become distinguished from those who constitute the same generation (age-wise), but who's lived experiences greatly differ from our own. So there's the brown girls and boys we all went to high school with - the ones you could never really be yourself around, because somehow, in that teenage spectrum, brownness becomes quantified, and you just couldn't get along with them, having not been "as brown as them." And this exclusion, I think, contributed to the development of a kind of resentment against those "other kids." The ones your parents wanted you to mingle with, but who's music taste you just couldn't understand. And this in turn, was a tiny reflection of the way westernized, younger generations of brown kids, perceived, older non-westernized, generations of brown grown-ups. We all made fun of them.

And because of that distinction (which was just that, a distinction - not something that necessitated rivalry), there built a riff between not just you and other kids like you, but you and the colour of your skin. I know so many brown kids, who hate other brown kids. And more on topic, so many brown kids who refuse to date, or eliminate the capacity to sexualize other brown bodies. They just remind you too much of a person you never could be.

But isn't that the root of all racism?

I am not exclusively attracted to brown, white, or any other specifically coloured-gender. Though, this is not to say I am colour-blind. Of course not. There's much to say about multi-cultural dating, and that's to say, that again, it happens. Happily so, a lot of times. I just believe that every colour, has the capacity to be desirable, irrespective of our cultural baggage. So there's no need to pick, or run from one or the other.

Pick people, not skin.

listen, so. here is what this is.

I am a 22 year old Bengali female, who was born and raised in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. My parents were born and raised in Bangladesh. This combination has added to the formation of what I spent ten years thinking, was a frustratingly unique identity. Western TV and its accompanied arts have very obviously come to shape my entire identity - and yet, nothing makes more sense to me then the smell of curry and dhal. And I spent years, convinced, my sister and I were the only brown kids in the entire world (can you believe that, the entire population of the world?), who existed in the framework that we just so happened to center in. What other Bengali girl could possibly have spent her time listening to The Cure?

And now, I very comfortably approach this "identity" with the word "we."

Blogging is a wonderful thing, and don't let the honesty of it, turn you away. What blogging essentially did for my 12 year old self, was actualize a safe place - a haven, in which a naive tween to teen girl, could express her stories with other anonymous, supportive, non-judgmental community members. I am not the first person to acknowledge this, or live it. In fact, there are many other spaces in which South Asian voices are not only encouraged, but catalogued, and distributed.

But for years, I didn't know about any of them. So here's to another one, kids.

Knowing what I know now - about the Internet (It is filled with strangers who appreciate honesty, and want to help), and being brown in a Western world (it is wonderful, horrible, and a reality, for even those who deny it to be), and about storytelling (it's just the absolute best) - I aim to encourage dialogue. Because I spent ten years in a sixteen year old limbo, certain I was the only one who was this way. Which is stupid. So stupid. Oh my God, is it statistically, objectively, negatively, just stupid.

As a note, I'd like to add that anonymity, is respected and understood. But please respect and acknowledge, that this is encouraged to be a public forum. We, with this shared identity respect, and understand the desire and necessity for privacy. Pseudonyms, (Initials), actual googable names - whatever, however, you want to sign your stories, is acceptable, and up to you. But your stories should be shared. Or more importantly, we should be talking to each other.

So send in your thoughts, stories, contemplations, whatever - on having been raised Brown in a Non-Brown world to:

butimbrown@gmail.com

We want to hear you.